Yellow Painted White

“I wish I was white.” I’ve said this phrase to myself a thousand times. Although most people don’t understand the sentiment, many minorities can probably relate to why I lived with that thought for many years. In addition to the conventional growing pains of adolescence, I also worried that my Asian-ness would be ‘discovered’ and used as a way to ostracize me from my peers. Growing up in the community I did, I came to realize that my Asian-ness be enough for people to see me as unworthy, unappealing, and unimportant. Derogatory nicknames became normal, and my Asian-ness became the (not so infrequent) bud of the joke. I traded self-worth for the illusion of acceptance and personal peace for the comfort of others. A self labeled banana (yellow on the outside, white on the inside), I prided myself on being ‘just Asian enough’ for people to mention topics like KPOP and Jackie Chan, while being ‘white’ enough to find nicknames like ‘Suhra Sushi’ and ‘Sacagawea’ amusing. I reveled in those nicknames because society had taught me that I did something to deserve them and was lucky that I didn’t have it worse. In fact, those same opinions were voiced by more than one extended family member. Those thoughts, along with phrases like “I don’t see color,” proved useful in silencing me from the very real pain I was in for most of my life. It’s taken 25 years and a global pandemic for me to finally embrace and acknowledge my Asian-ness, regardless of how it’s received or accepted by others.