The Lies Society Tells You About Adoption
Lie #1: Birth mothers don’t love or want their children
The idea that all birth mothers don’t love or want their children is not only inaccurate, but can be incredibly harmful for everyone involved. Adoption as an outcome is a culmination of so many things. Birth mothers may love and want their child, but be unable to fully provide for that child. A child being adopted doesn’t have to come from a birth mother’s feelings towards that child. Children enter the foster care system for a variety of reasons, and we must treat them that way.
Lie #2: Adoption is the easy way out for birth mothers
People sometimes believe that birth mothers are somehow ‘lazy’ and that’s not true. Birth mothers don’t always get a choice in whether their child is removed. There are many birth mothers who work really hard to be reunified with their child and their circumstances don’t always allow that to happen. There are also birth mothers who just want to give their children the best chances possible in life and that can mean placing them up for adoption.
Lie #3: Birth parents make adoption plans and have substance abuse issues
This lie has been perpetuated by the media and for the convenience of believing that birth parents never wanted their children or that they chose drugs over their children. In fact, many birth parents fight tirelessly to keep or be reunified with their children. While some birth parents may be battling addiction, it’s not a precondition for a child to enter the foster care system. Not only does this lie stereotype birth parents, but feeds the existing judgments of those with substance abuse issues.
Lie #4: You can’t love a child through adoption the same as a biological child
Anyone who’s had a meaningful relationship knows that it’s not shared DNA that determines its depths. Loving and accepting someone is a choice. Suggesting that non-biological children aren’t loved the same insults every step child and anyone else whose chosen someone to be a part of their family.
Lie #5: The best age to adopt a child at is infancy
People starting the adoption process often think that babies will be the easiest option. There’s this idea that babies carry less baggage and will more closely mirror the experience of having a biological child. Although you will be starting at the beginning of the child’s life, that doesn’t mean they won’t experience their share of trauma as a result of being adopted. Being adopted at infancy doesn’t eliminate the challenges that an individual will face as an adoptee. When seeking to adopt, children at each age pose their own set of joys and challenges.
Lie #6: Foster care is too difficult and heartbreaking
Accepting a child into your family can be difficult, no matter how that child enters it. Foster care will present unique challenges from those of biological children, but they shouldn’t dissuade anyone from exploring foster care as an option. A child’s story may be heartbreaking, but they aren’t solely defined by what they’ve experienced. Seeing them for only what they’ve been through isn’t fair. Foster parents just need to have access to the resources they may need when fostering a child. They also need to be open minded to what fostering a child can look like. It can be one of the most rewarding and profound experiences. It will be difficult and sometimes stressful, but that’s what it means to be a parent (no matter how you become one).
Lie #7: A child’s culture/previous family is irrelevant after adoption
It may seem easy to assume that a child’s culture and previous family is irrelevant after adoption, but that couldn’t be further than the truth. An adoptee can often struggle with identity issues due to the conflicts they feel regarding their previous culture and family. This conflict doesn’t need to be a reflection on their adoptive family, rather an adoptee’s acknowledgement that their culture didn’t disappear with a change of address, name or family. People will see them for what culture they look like they belong to, regardless of who raised them. It’s important for adoptees to have the freedom to explore their birth culture without the guilt of other people labeling them as ‘ungrateful.’
Lie #8: After the adoption placement there is little to no contact with the birth family
There are many cases of open adoption in the U.S. and around the world, especially if a child is placed with a kinship placement (family or friend of the birth parent). The relationship between a child and birth family can be very beneficial after a child has been adopted into a new family. It’s up to each adoptive family to explore resources that will help in the adoption process. It just has to do with what’s best for that child, and usually more people loving and caring for that child is best. A child can also remain connected to their birth culture (in cases of transracial adoptions) in some capacity. This is something that is often overlooked and undervalued within the adoption community.
Lie #9: Adoptees and foster care youth are delinquent and troubled
With the inaccurate representation in media and a lack of adoption awareness, it can be easy to believe that adoptees and foster care youth are delinquent and troubled. This assumption is unfair and places blame on children for circumstances they had and still have no control over. It almost justifies any mistreatment or judgment that an adoptee or foster care youth may face. It may be more challenging for these youth to overcome their circumstances, but it doesn’t mean they are destined for a life of crime.
Lie #10: Adoption is always a happy, joyful, and exciting process.
This is, perhaps, the easiest and most common lie accepted. It’s what everyone hopes is true. It’s more optimistic than the truth. Adoption can have a positive outcome, but it’s a lot more complicated than that. The reality is that adoption is rooted in the pain of a child being removed from their birth-family and birth-culture. Even if a child doesn’t remember their birth family, they can still experience the trauma of what it means to be removed from them. For the adoptive parents, the process can be intimidating, stressful, and full of fear. When adoptees hear ‘how lucky they are to be saved’ and other similar phrases, it can be very damaging to the healing process they’re navigating. Whether or not it’s true, the constant reminder from others can make an adoptee feel isolated in their pain surrounding adoption.
Lie #11: Adoption is only for those experiencing infertility
Although some families facing infertility choose to adopt, that doesn’t mean that’s the only reason people adopt. It also doesn’t mean that the adopted child is some form of ‘consolation prize’ for people facing those infertility challenges. Adoption isn’t a ‘fix’ or second choice. It cannot erase the grief and pain of infertility. Adoption can often be someone’s first choice, and to dismiss it as a valid point does a disservice to the idea of family.
Lie #12: All adoption stories/families look the same
When people think about adoption, they often have a singular picture in their head (the one society has presented to us). In truth, an adopted child can come from any country, community, and family – including that of the adoptive family. It’s important to remember that each adoptive family’s story is unique and can be formed in a variety of ways. Adoptive families can be international, domestic, kinship, transracial, or consist of the same culture and race. I’ll explore these adoption categories more in later posts.
