Tears, Triumphs, and Total Devastation: A collection of notes and voice memos from the past year.
5/31/20 – I’m trying so hard to find the strength to be an ally and activist. I feel so helpless.
6/15/20 – How am I going to be cordial with *this person* (name removed for privacy) when all they do is post things that go against everything I believe in. Am I really going to talk about the weather with them when all they’ve done the past month is devalue my experience as an AAPI?
6/22/20 – Today I cried on my way to work. Hiding a recent meltdown has become the new normal. I’m at a loss for words with what’s been happening in our country.
7/24/20 – I don’t even know what to say. I cried for the first 2 hours of my 5 ½ hour drive home. My sadness is only drowned out by blinding rage. Due to recent events, my sister and I were invited to speak in our community regarding the racism we’ve faced. We spent over ten hours preparing and discussing the racist acts and words against us. It was incredibly painful – and honestly, we didn’t even get to it all. I spoke things I hadn’t said out loud before. Many of the things I hadn’t thought about in 10-15 years. Unfortunately, our efforts were met with more ignorance and dismissal. Our vulnerability was taken advantage of and our words used against us. It feels really disheartening to have your experience twisted and questioned to fit someone else’s agenda.
7/26/20 – I’m so encouraged by the support my sister and I have received for our video about our Asian American experience! Yay!
8/2/20 – I knew it was too good to be true. I’m glad that during my most raw and vulnerable moment people are being willfully ignorant – because being called Suhra Sushi and Sacagawea in high school was my idea of a good time…
8/7/20 – Today was an okay day. I didn’t want to actively fight anyone, so there’s that.
8/11/20 – Another one bites the dust… A family member, who played an important role in my life, broke my heart. He masked his true intentions and political agenda with deceiving ‘support’ and empty words. Not a week after he comforted me about the racism I’ve experienced, he verbally attacks my sister and I with ignorant and condescending statements. A fight we didn’t invite or ask for. Instead of taking the olive branch offered to him, he decided that cutting ties with my family was more comfortable than admitting his wrongdoings. It wasn’t just about what he said, but how he said it. 2020 has taught me that being family with someone doesn’t mean assumed respect or empathy.
8/11/20 – Is this the new normal? No longer tolerating racism means losing family members? I’m afraid to know who’s next.
9/10/20 – I cried on my way to work today, so that’s cool. Everyone sucks.
9/30/20 – I’ve struggled the past few months wondering if my vulnerability has made a difference. Has reliving the racism I’ve experienced done anything? This year it’s gotten me disrespect, dismissal, and outright verbal attacks. Is it even worth it?
10/2/20 – Another day, another night spent crying myself to sleep. I’m so overwhelmed. When I wake up, I try to find the strength to compartmentalize my fears and anger with the responsibilities of my daily life.
10/30/20 – I’ve spent most of my life following Jesus. It hasn’t always been an easy path, but it’s the one I knew I’d end up on. This year I’ve felt more pain and heartbreak than ever before. Keeping the faith has been a constant battle. I’ve sought Jesus in the chaos and I’ve struggled to see him in all the pain and confusion. How can those who claim to share the same faith as me use that faith as justification for their hate and ignorance? How can I sustain a relationship with people who feel POC’s equality is somehow a threat to them?
10/31/20 – Well, I posted that my blog is launching on 11/9/20. So, I guess I have to be committed to that. I seriously hope I’m tough enough to put myself out there.
11/9/20 – It’s World Adoption Day! I’m trying to remind myself to celebrate, even though I feel completely broken.
11/16/20 – BLM isn’t just about trends, hashtags, or only standing up when it’s convenient or comfortable for you. It’s about the changes you make when the validation of ‘likes’ fade. Because the black lives of AMerica (and all POCs) are worth damn more than your social media popularity.
12/19/20 – I’m so frustrated. There is such a lack of representation of the AAPI experience. Society has taught us that we should feel happy, satisfied, and grateful for the sliver of exposure and misrepresentation we’ve had.
1/10/21 – Started reading Minor Feelings by Cathy Park Hong today. I honestly think it’s helping. It’s that or the fact that I’ve had french fries for dinner for the past week.
1/13/21- I’ve been so encouraged and inspired by all the social media advocacy I’ve been seeing. Beyond politics, I hope that 2020 has brought education to the true and disturbing realities that POCs face. I want to challenge people to let their convictions lead them to more than just posts – but to a changed way of living.
1/19/21- Honestly just want to be white today. Sick of this crap.
1/24/21 – As a woman, I’ve dealt with not being taken seriously in the workplace – even in a supervisor position. As an Asian American, having any and all accomplishments be an inevitable result of my race has been insulting. As an Asian American woman, being fetishized, illegitimized, and dismissed has been frustrating. On top of that, I’ve been told how grateful I should be for being viewed in such a positive way.
2/5/21 – We should all want to grow, learn, adapt, and become the best versions of ourselves. Diversifying your life doesn’t mean, “Oh, I’m going to make a black friend.” It means making your life look like the inclusion and nondiscriminatory world you post about.
3/1/21 – As a POC, I don’t have the luxury of reacting to the discrinimation and racism against me.. All of a sudden, I’m the spokesperson for all minorities – and how I act (and react) may impact the next POCs experience with that individual. That’s a lot of pressure.
3/10/21 – Feeling hopeful today. I think I’m starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. There’s still a lot of work to be done, but I feel ready and willing to put in the work.
3/10/21 – Nope. I take that back. People suck.
3/18/21 – This week I saw a post about transracial adoptees having trouble processing violence against AAPIs because the victims are “people who look like us” and the perpetrator “looks like our family.” Wow. That hit me. (original quote by @mrskaylynbrown)
3/25/21 – My mom had a hard day today. She reached out, and when I responded to her text with a phone call, she was crying on the other end. With a shaking voice I told her, “It’s okay. It’s going to be okay.” I didn’t know if I believed that myself. My heart breaks. Not just for the AAPI community, but for the country as a whole. This AAPI hate should be affecting everyone. It should be disturbing to everyone.
3/28/21 – As my friends and family come to me for guidance and clarity, I realize that I haven’t found those things for myself. I can’t understand why this country -my country- has treated me and those that look like me with such animosity and hate. Why am I an ‘other’? Recent AAPI hate has shown us that out of convenience, our country views us as invisible and out of fear it considers us threats.
4/5/21 – I think one of the reasons it’s been so difficult for people to fully grasp and accept that racism is real and flourishing in this country, is that it feels like an uprooting to a person’s entire belief system about their life. They take it personally and fear being labeled a racist. I’ve tried my best to have grace and forgiveness for the people in my life and those I encounter. It just sucks to be the one constantly extending those things. Especially when you’re often met with more ignorance.
4/10/21 – Literally no energy. All my effort goes to pretending I’m not a complete mess so I can actually do my job. I don’t know what to say to myself to get through this. I’m having popcorn for dinner. Again.
4/27/21 – The past year and a half has been rough. Really rough. I hope everyone remembers to be kind and open minded. Remember, the key to really engaging in a conversation isn’t just about talking – but listening. I encourage people to do that now.
I want to acknowledge all the victims (and their families) of AAPI hate over the past year. I see you. I hear you. I’m with you.
